Melis­sa Broder, author of the forth­com­ing When You Say One Thing but Mean Your Moth­er (Feb­ru­ary 6th), is guest-blog­ging all week for MyJew­ish­Learn­ing and the Jew­ish Book Coun­cil. Vis­it her web­site at www​.melissabroder​.com.

Allow me to exca­vate my favorite Lenny Bruce schtick—the Jew­ish vs. Goy­ish lit­mus test—and apply it to some of the cul­tur­al, uh, gems of our time.

Remem­ber, in Bruce-speak, Jew­ish and Goy­ish do not depict the reli­gion of a per­son, place or thing, but rather, con­note an essence.

All apolo­gies Mr. Bruce.

Conan is Goy­ish and Jay Leno is Jewish.

Gos­sip Girl is Goy­ish (save for Dan Humphrey and Hen­ri Ben­del — they’re big-time Jewish).

Mad Men? Goy­ish. (Though Burt Coop­er is Jewish.)

Danc­ing with the Stars? Jewish.

Idol? Goysville.

MTV’s Jer­sey Shore must be tak­en piece­meal. Snoo­ki, Sam­mi Sweet­heart” and The Sit­u­a­tion are Jew­ish. J‑WOWW, Ron­nie and Vin­ny are Goy­ish. Pauly D is Goy­ish, but his hair­care is Jewish.

The Biggest Los­er is very Jew­ish, very Jewish.

Twit­ter and Face­book are both Jewish.

The Kin­dle is Goyish.

iPhone? Goyish.

Black­ber­ry? Jewish.

BPA-free water bot­tles are Goyish.

The Under­wear Bomber is Goy­ish (but his under­wear are Jewish).

Health­care Reform is Jew­ish. (Sor­ry Lieberman.)

Bailouts are also Jewish.

John and Kate are both Goyish.

The Octo­mom is Jewish.

Brangeli­na is Goy­ish (but her lips are Jewish).

Brit­tany Mur­phy was Jew­ish in Clue­less, but turned Goy­ish with Ash­ton and the weight loss. Simon Mon­jack, how­ev­er, is Jewish.

Char­lie Sheen is Jew­ish. Brooke Burke is Goy­ish (though tech­ni­cal­ly Jewish).

Bernie Mad­off is Jew­ish, but his sons are Goyish.

Tiger Woods and Elin Norde­gren are a pair of golfin’ Goys.

Tay­lor Swift? Goyish.

Car­rie Under­wood? Goyoyoy.

Lady Gaga? Jewish.

Bey­once and Jay‑Z make a nice Jew­ish couple.

Rihan­na, yeah, I was basi­cal­ly Bat Mitzvah’ed with her.

Twi­light series? Goy­ish.

The Hang­over? Jew­ish.

Julie and Julia is Jew­ish as a kreplach.

Avatar is Goyish.

Michael Jack­son is….discuss.

Melis­sa Broder is the author of When You Say One Thing but Mean Your Moth­er. She is the cura­tor of the Polestar Poet­ry Series and the Chief Edi­tor of La Petite Zine. She is the win­ner of the Jerome Low­ell Dejur Award and the Stark Prize for Poet­ry. Broder received her BA from Tufts Uni­ver­si­ty and is cur­rent­ly in the MFA pro­gram at the CCNY. By day, she works as a lit­er­ary pub­li­cist. Her poems have appeared in many jour­nals, includ­ing: Opi­um, Sham­poo, Con­te and The Del Sol Review. She lives in Brook­lyn. Vis­it her web­site http://​www​.melissabroder​.com/

Melis­sa Broder is the author of the nov­el The Pisces, the essay col­lec­tion So Sad Today and four poet­ry col­lec­tions, includ­ing Last Sext. She has writ­ten for The New York Times, Elle​.com, VICE, Vogue Italia, and New York magazine’s The Cut.” Her poems have appeared in POET­RY, The Iowa ReviewTin House, and Guer­ni­ca, and she is the win­ner of a Push­cart Prize for poet­ry. She lives in Los Angeles.